Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.