My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.