If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce