Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I don’t make the rules sorry
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are