i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
I went from rags to one rag.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
i wish i could marry a nap
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?