*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Lmbo
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…