what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.