[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
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huge if true: the moon
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Weighing up my bread heating options
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
🐕🍷
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service