FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
You Might Also Like
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
No, I don’t think I will.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok