It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!