Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast