@darinlovesbacon

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@darinlovesbacon

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

@darinlovesbacon

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

@darinlovesbacon

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@darinlovesbacon

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

@darinlovesbacon

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

@darinlovesbacon

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast