I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
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employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*