Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop