[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
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“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.