@darksidesith75

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

@darksidesith75

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

@darksidesith75

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

@darksidesith75

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

@darksidesith75

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

@darksidesith75

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

@darksidesith75

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.