Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.