Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Still my favorite television listing of all time: