@darrinfb

I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.

So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.

@darrinfb

I want my ashes scattered when I die.

I don’t like people visiting me now…. I’ll be damned if I want visitors when I’m dead.

@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@darrinfb

Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada

@darrinfb

It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.

@darrinfb

Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.

@darrinfb

To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”

How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?