My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate