Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
My dad is at it again
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
#CatsOnTwitter
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.