99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that