Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
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Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
That earthquake could have been an email.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Social Media and Real life
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t