My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
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employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
それは草
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum