This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
whatcha thinkin bout
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.