Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both