@dave_cactus

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

@dave_cactus

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

@dave_cactus

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

@dave_cactus

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

@dave_cactus

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

@dave_cactus

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

@dave_cactus

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁