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Page of dave_cactus's best tweets

@dave_cactus : NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don't have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don't even worry, pal.

@dave_cactus: [being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

@dave_cactus: COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you're under arrest for tacks evasion also.

@dave_cactus: You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
- swampland $1000
- arable prairie $22000
- beachfront $33500
- rock $2
- roll $3
- rolling meadows $9500

@dave_cactus: ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

@dave_cactus: AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband's burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

@dave_cactus: [learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the "vroom vroom" sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

@dave_cactus: Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

@dave_cactus: Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That's OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

@dave_cactus: ME: I'm hungry. I think I'll get McDonald's.
HER: Aren't you on a diet?
ME: OK. I'll only get one McDonald.