This is my brand.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
This edible is never going to hit.
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Life comes at you fast.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
ME (from beyond): 😁
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.