I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I told my vodka about you.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
live long and prosper!
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD