@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
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You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you