Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
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I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
All excellent questions
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Time heals everything 🙂
#titanic
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I missed you with all my darts
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys