Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : [changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

@david8hughes: [hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he's finished in the bath already

@david8hughes: [first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

@david8hughes: Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn't text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

@david8hughes: Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

@david8hughes: [1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it's like bread but harder

@david8hughes: [son comes running into our room]
"Dad, there's a monster in my room!"
Look, Marky, what-
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

@david8hughes: Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

@david8hughes: I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

@david8hughes: [first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael