@david8hughes: [hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he's finished in the bath already
@david8hughes: [first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
@david8hughes: Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn't text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
@david8hughes: Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.
@david8hughes: [1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it's like bread but harder
@david8hughes: [son comes running into our room]
"Dad, there's a monster in my room!"
Look, Marky, what-
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
@david8hughes: Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
@david8hughes: I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
@david8hughes: [first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael