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Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : [first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

@david8hughes: The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

@david8hughes: [first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

@david8hughes: Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I'm worried I'll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

@david8hughes: Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

@david8hughes: [inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

@david8hughes: I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

@david8hughes: [playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you're a lot heavier than I thought

@david8hughes: If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@david8hughes: Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: ...
Brain: ...
Me: ...
Brain: ...
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this