Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Everyone’s judging my ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ tattoo. This is not how this was meant to go down.
Call me old fashioned but *dies at 31 from tuberculosis*
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Me: I would like a very different baby, please