@david8hughes: I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
@david8hughes: [first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
@david8hughes: The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
@david8hughes: [first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
@david8hughes: Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I'm worried I'll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
@david8hughes: Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
@david8hughes: [inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
@david8hughes: I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
@david8hughes: [playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you're a lot heavier than I thought