Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.