If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
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astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.