aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
You Might Also Like
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone