Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.