If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
starting a garage orchestra
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.