Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Just a reminder, folks: