My doctor says I only have one diabete.
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Today’s Times
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet