If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
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told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
this is how life feels