If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings