If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!