@ddsmidt

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

@ddsmidt

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

@ddsmidt

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

@ddsmidt

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

@ddsmidt

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

@ddsmidt

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

@ddsmidt

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

@ddsmidt

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

@ddsmidt

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

@ddsmidt

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.