@ddsmidt

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

@ddsmidt

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@ddsmidt

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

@ddsmidt

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@ddsmidt

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

@ddsmidt

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

@ddsmidt

My MIL recently had an amazing recovery from a serious illness. Everyone was saying what a fighter she is.

I’d have to agree, I mean she’ll literally fight with anyone.

@ddsmidt

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

@ddsmidt

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.