Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : *Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

@ddsmidt: My MIL recently had an amazing recovery from a serious illness. Everyone was saying what a fighter she is.

I’d have to agree, I mean she’ll literally fight with anyone.

@ddsmidt: Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

@ddsmidt: Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn't even phase them, they still come to your door.

@ddsmidt: My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

@ddsmidt: If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

@ddsmidt: Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they're never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

@ddsmidt: Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

@ddsmidt: Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you're talking to.

@ddsmidt: Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*