Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

@ddsmidt: Just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean I won't want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@ddsmidt: When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

@ddsmidt: I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

@ddsmidt: Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

@ddsmidt: Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

@ddsmidt: My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

@ddsmidt: Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

@ddsmidt: I wish people would stop asking me if I'm on Twitter, clearly I'm not.

@ddsmidt: I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

...As if I plan on eating it.