@ddsmidt

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

@ddsmidt

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@ddsmidt

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

@ddsmidt

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

@ddsmidt

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

@ddsmidt

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

@ddsmidt

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

@ddsmidt

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

@ddsmidt

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.