Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.