I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.