The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.