The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
An amish party in the desert called churning man.