[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.