@deardilettante

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

@deardilettante

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@deardilettante

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

@deardilettante

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

@deardilettante

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

@deardilettante

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

@deardilettante

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

@deardilettante

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.