One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Order here:
More here:
My neck, my back, my…
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship