{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.