Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
You Might Also Like
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.