Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Holy shit he’s back